April Fools
by WildClover27
Summary: Too much down time makes life boring, so the cons begin with practical jokes. But who gets the last laugh?


April Fools

It all started when Chief's queen went missing. Cold rain slashed in waves against the diamond panes of glass in the window the Indian liked to sit in, preventing him from seeing out. Coldness seeped in around the frame, making the seat too uncomfortable to perch in even if he could have seen anything but water running in sheets down the glass. Frustrated, Chief sat down at the small table, stifled a shiver of chill, and studied the chessboard, left in mid-game, to see what his next move would be. It was immediately apparent to the young man that someone had lifted his white queen. Irritation flared, already fueled by confinement in the cold, drafty house.

"Okay, Goniff, give it back," said Chief with the beginnings of a surly attitude.

"Give wot back, Mate?" asked the pickpocket without looking up from his card game at the bigger table. He had a pair of deuces and not much else to make a winning poker hand.

"My queen," repeated Chief. "Give it back!"

"Wot Queen?" said Goniff, now looking up at the narrowed dark eyes trying to burn a hole in him. "I don't know nuffin' 'bout no queen. Ain't like I'm goin' to kidnap the ruddy royalty now, is it?"

Chief wasn't about to let this one slide by. "Not funny, Goniff. Now give it back. I can't play with only one queen."

Casino couldn't resist that one. He showed his winning hand of a full house, kings high, to the Englishman and, as he raked in the money in the pot between he and Goniff, said, "Whatsa matter, Indian, one woman at a time not enough for you?"

"Mind your own business, Casino," shot back Chief.

The voices were steadily escalating and it looked like a fight was in the making. Actor sighed, took his pipe from his mouth and dropped the copy of Stars and Stripes he was trying to read on the green plaid wool throw covering his lap and legs. "Gentlemen, please . . ."

"Butt out, Actor," growled Casino. "You're all the time actin' like you're boss. Well you ain't."

"No, but I am," said Garrison in annoyance. He was standing in the doorway to his office, leaning heavily on a cane to take the pressure off his injured leg. He aimed his glare at Goniff. "Give Chief back his Queen."

"I tell you, Warden, I don't 'ave it!" objected the Cockney loudly.

A smirk teased the safecracker's mouth. It was not missed by Garrison.

"Casino?"

With a chuckle, the cracksman reached in his pocket and pulled out the missing white chess piece. He tossed it to Chief who would have been up and at him if the Warden had not been there.

"You stole the ruddy thing?" erupted Goniff. "And left me to take the blame?"

Casino's grin was wider and he was chuckling happily now. "Yeah."

"Really, Casino!" said Actor in disgust.

Casino's head swiveled toward the con man. He pointed a finger at the Italian. "I told you to butt out."

"And I'm telling you to knock it off!" ordered Garrison.

All four men settled down and went back to what they were doing. Craig turned painfully and limped back to his desk. The group had been down for a week and a half, since Garrison had caught a bullet in the leg, bruising the bone and tearing up some muscle. The doctors said it would be another two weeks before he could possibly return to duty. In the meantime, there were no missions to allow his men to let off their pent up energy. And it had rained almost the entire week and a half. On the two days it hadn't rained, the grounds were too soggy for the men to get any exercise. Never one to be tied to a desk, it wasn't helping the Lieutenant's mood either.

GGGGG

The next morning, things had not improved. Chief came downstairs and went to check his chessboard. He wouldn't put it past Casino to screw it up again. His mouth clamped in a tight line. All the pieces were back on the board, but not in the positions they had been left in. Now they lined up in alternating colors on every other square.

The rest of the men came down the stairs. Chief was smoldering.

Walking up to the safecracker, he pushed right up to his face. "Yuh just couldn't leave it alone, could yuh."

"What?" asked Casino belligerently in confusion.

"Yuh had to mess the board up again." Chief's right arm was stiffly down and his hand was flexing.

"I didn't touch your board," denied Casino angrily.

"Casino." Garrison was halfway down the stairs, leaning on his cane and glaring at the safecracker.

Half afraid to take his eyes off Chief, Casino shot a glance up at Garrison. "I didn't touch it. I swear," he said defensively.

Four pair of eyes turned to the blond pickpocket. Goniff had a smug smile on his face.

"Well, you was so quick tuh blame me yesterday," he said to Chief. "I figured if I were goin' to get blamed, then I might as well do it."

"Goniff!"

It was too early for them to be starting up thought Garrison. He hoped this wasn't a harbinger of the rest of the day. He hobbled down the remainder of the stairs and slowly fixed his glare on each of the men.

"That is enough. I don't want to hear anymore problems from any of you gentlemen."

"Lieutenant!" objected the Italian. He had not done anything to warrant a dressing down by Garrison and did not appreciate being lumped in with the rest of the cons.

"That goes for you too, Actor." Garrison was already irritable.

The rest of the day was only a little quieter. The cons sniped at each other, but as soon as they heard Garrison's desk chair move, they went silent. Craig just wanted a few hours of peace and quiet. The rain was down to intermittent showers. Garrison thought about his options. He could continue to listen to the bickering or he could let them go expend energy at the Doves. If they got into a fight . . . no, make that when they got into a fight . . . he could just let them sit in the stockade overnight. Peace.

GGG

The Doves was pretty quiet for once. Goniff was playing cards with a couple of his cronies. Chief and Actor were at a table drinking ale and watching a dart game with casual disinterest.

"I swear, Actor," said Chief. "One of these days I'm gonna nail Casino's hide to the wall."

Actor turned he gaze to the younger man. "That will not help the situation," he said. The sophisticated confidence man smiled. "There are more refined ways of getting even than fighting with the man."

Chief looked at the conniving smile on the Italian's face. "Yeah, how?"

"Watch," said Actor, "I will demonstrate."

Actor went to the bar and bought two more glasses of ale. On the way back to Chief, he casually approached the table where Casino was sitting with an overblown dishwater blond on his lap.

"Tell me," said the con man with a smile. "Aren't you afraid of catching something?"

"I'm clean!" objected the woman before Casino could open his mouth.

"I wasn't referring to you," said Actor and walked away as Casino got slapped hard in the face.

There was a satisfied smile on the Italian's face as he approached his table and a grinning Chief.

"See," said Actor as though he was teaching the younger man. "It is very simple to exact revenge."  
Chief laughed and shook his head, accepting one of the glasses of ale, while the con man took his seat. Both had just taken a sip of ale when Casino stormed up to them.

"You dirty, rotten . . ."

Actor knew what was coming and attempted to evade the safecracker's fist, but was not quick enough. Casino's fist connected with Actor's jaw and he was not pulling his punch. Ale flew, and Actor careened into Chief, both chairs overturning and the two men ending in a heap on the floor. Chief was on the bottom and couldn't get up until Actor got off of him.

The big man rolled to his feet and landed a fist in Casino's stomach. Goniff had not seen what started it, but he did not like Actor doubling the safecracker over. He jumped up and started after Actor. He did not reach the con man. Chief got in his way with his own fist. From there it turned into a free for all.

GGG

The phone rang and Garrison looked up from his book to check his watch. 9:30 pm. A smile crossed his face. It was early for them to be in trouble. He answered the phone. It was George at the stockade. He had all four of the men. Did the Lieutenant wish to come get them? No, the Lieutenant did not. He would come get them in the morning. Settling more comfortably in his chair with his leg up on an overturned trash can, Garrison went back to reading his book.

It was late the next morning before he went to retrieve his wayward charges. None of them was in a good mood.

"Took yuh long enough," gripped Casino.

"You were warned," said Garrison calmly. "Any of you start up again you'll find yourselves in the stockade until the next mission."

"Aw now War . . ."

"Shut up, Casino," said Actor wearily.

The safecracker started to retort but was cut off by the Lieutenant.

"You must really like that cell."

Casino closed his mouth and restricted himself to a glare at Garrison and Actor.

Back at the mansion, the four men went up to their rooms. None of them had gotten any sleep that night. Garrison went back into his office.

GGGGG

A couple days passed with no further bickering, practical joking, or fighting from the men. Craig knew it couldn't last much longer. What they needed was a mission, but he was just getting to where he could get around for short distances without the cane. The doctor gave him another week before he could even consider jumping out of an airplane.

With the door to his office closed and the radio on low, Craig did not notice one of the men was missing that afternoon. That is until he heard the front door open and close. Switching off the radio, he got up and went to open his office door to see what was going on now. Casino was standing just inside the front door with a strange woman.

The safecracker smiled at Garrison. "This is Maureen. She's from the next village over. She has a little problem."

Garrison eyed the rounded belly under the none too clean clothes. "So I see. And what is the reason for you bringing her here when this place is off limits?"

Maureen was gazing about the room in awe at the rich surroundings. Her eyes lit on the big sophisticated man in the corner chair, dressed like a toff and smoking a pipe. The description matched him without question.

"That's him!" She pointed a dirty hand with an outstretched forefinger directly at the confidence man. "That's him! "E's the one wot did this to me!" Her eyes narrowed and she glared at him. "Used me like you would and left me like this, you did. And how am I s'posed to take care of a wee one and work? You tell me that! Yer goin' to pay for this, you are!"

Everyone was staring at Actor now.

The con man barely kept his poise. "Madam, I have never met you before in my life. And whatever is residing in you does not belong to me." The last was said with barely veiled disgust. "Casino, what kind of game are you trying to pull?"

"Yes, I'd like to hear this," added Garrison unsmiling and with arms crossed in front of him.

"Hey," said Casino with a nasty grin. "I found her at the Doves. She was looking for someone from the 'big house' who got her in this condition."

"More than likely yourself," sneered Actor. "She seems more your type."

Garrison turned to his second. "I assume you use protection?"

"Always," replied Actor adamantly. "However it would not be needed in this case as I would never be inclined to partake of the _lady's_ favors."

"Oh no yuh don't," spat out the woman. "Yer not gettin' away with this. You was in too be a 'urry to get back to your fancy house here before you got caught bein' away. Yuh had me up against a wall in an alley and left me without so much as a shilling."

"Well that settles that," said Actor triumphantly and haughtily. "I have never needed to pay for the services of a woman. And I would never partake of a woman's favors in an alley. That is Casino's habit, not mine." The last was said in abject disgust.

"Hey, you watch your mouth!" objected the safecracker.

"Enough!" blasted Garrison.

There was silence. Garrison eyed the swollen belly and let his gaze slide up to the woman's face. Her eyes could not meet his.

"What are you, 8 months?"

"Yes, Sir," replied the woman. She seemed to be fearful of the officer now he had shown his temper.

"And perhaps you can tell me why you waited this long to seek out the . . . father . . . of your child?"

The woman began to fidget, rather like Goniff when caught in a lie. Her eyes darted to Garrison's and away. "Well, now and there was no work around here after it happened, so I went up to Manchester to stay with me sister, I did. Well, when I started gettin' big like, well, the boss man, 'e let me go, seein' as I wasn't married an' all. Then, pretty soon, no'ont would 'ire me. I needed money, so I come back 'ere to see if the man wot did this was still 'ere."

"Really," said Garrison. The tone of his voice warned the cons the lieutenant had about reached the limit of his patience. "So you came here to get money."

"Well, yes Sir," said the woman, feeling the tension and figuring this wasn't going the way the bloke next to her had said it would.

"Casino," said Garrison with deceptive quietness, "I suggest you take her back to where you found her."

"Wot about me money? Wot am I gon'to pay the midwife with?"

Garrison smiled humorlessly. "We are not paying you for your lies. However, I can call the constable and he can put you in jail. They will take care of the midwife for you."

"Jail!" wailed the woman. "I ain't done nuthin' wrong!"

"Well, for starters, there is blackmail and extortion."

"I ha'n't blackmailed no one or extortioned!" The woman kept looking at Casino now and wasn't getting any help from him.

"I just want what's due me," she tried again with Garrison.

"You can go back to where you came from, or you can stay here and I will call the constable. He will be happy to give you what is due you."

She turned and slugged Casino in the chest. "You give me five quid and told me I'd get more from the toff . . ." she accused him.

"So I lied," said Casino.

"Take her away, Casino," said Garrison, "and then I want you back in my office immediately. Am I making myself clear?"

"Yeah, I hear you," grumbled the safecracker.

Not quite ready to give up, the woman wheedled, "I need money . . ."

Garrison did not answer. He walked over to the telephone by the stairs and lifted the receiver. He dialed the first nine and watched her watching his fingers. Nothing. So he slowly dialed the second nine.

"All right, don't get in such a 'urry!"

She barreled out the door with Casino following, shaking his head.

GGG

Garrison went back into his office. He glanced at his calendar and took note that it was March 31. The rain had stopped and tomorrow was supposed to be unseasonably warm. A smile came to his face and he made a couple phone calls.

When Casino returned, the Lieutenant called him and the others into his office. He got up and hitched a hip on the corner of his desk, looking at each of his men in turn. The longer he said nothing, the more fidgety some of them got.

"Gentlemen, I have had enough of this. Seeing as you have so little to keep you occupied, I am going see you have something productive to do tomorrow."

Goniff and Casino exchanged glances. Chief frowned and Actor was eyeing him suspiciously.

"Goniff," started Craig. "I think tomorrow would be a good time for you to wash every single glass in this house."

"Warden! I hate washin' dishes. Me hands'll get all chapped and sore."

"If you are going to object that much," said Garrison calmly, "I'll add all the dishes to that too. And there had better not be one broken plate or glass."

Casino made the mistake of snickering.

"Casino," said Craig. "You seem to be the one with the most energy to wear off. I talked to the vicar. Tomorrow is going to be sunny and dry. After all this rain, the windows in the church need a good cleaning. I told him you were the man for the job."

"Aw, come on Warden!"

"That is the Church of England," said Garrison. "If you have any more objections, then the next day, you can go clean the windows at the Catholic church."

Next Garrison turned his attention to the youngest member of the group. "Chief. Mrs. Whitford from the orphan's home has a truckload of children coming in the morning. I assured her you will be happy to assist them in getting checked in a settled. You were so good with the Mittenberg babies, you should be even better with the toddlers." Chief stared at him in disbelief.

"And Actor," smile Craig.

"Lieutenant, I have shown remarkable restraint these past few weeks," said the confidence man.

"That's not what I heard from the Doves," interrupted the officer. "I understand you have not been doing too well with the ladies."

Actor's eyes narrowed.

"So I have arranged for a loan of some training films from Archbury for you to view tomorrow. There are four of them. That should keep you occupied."

"What kind of training films?" asked the Italian carefully.

"Two on venereal disease, one on prevention of said diseases, and one on the proper use and application of prophylactics."

The aristocratic man's eyes widened. "Lieutenant! That is insulting and degrading!"

Garrison shrugged. "Col. Gallagher also mentioned he has a new bunch of young recruits arriving in the next couple days. He and Major Stoval are too busy to do the required teaching on the same subject matter. If the films are too boring for you, I am sure the colonel will be happy for you to take over the instruction of these young men in his place."

There was dead silence in the room. They all knew better than to push the young officer any farther.

"Dismissed," said Garrison.

They all gave him dirty looks and left. Once outside the office, he heard the low rumbling of angry voices. With a smile, Craig shut the door behind them and walked back to his desk. Yes, tomorrow was April 1st. April Fools' Day. Somehow the punishments he had handed out seemed to be fitting for his men on that day.


End file.
